You just keep dancing,
skipping from scar to star to scar,
but don't you ever stop to wonder
who you really are?
sweet, kingdomless queen,
a shadow in the rearview mirror,
memories of seventeen.
clumsy in the hands of others,
you know your face by photographs
and would give anything
to feel something real.
beyond the shadow in the store window,
beautiful bones in the heat
naked in the mirrors
& all your good intentions are falling
in a pile around your feet,
& you're inches away from collapsing
like a memory in the street.
you've been reaching so high
and been falling so far,
searching for someone else who believes
life is more than who we are.
for the ocean to come up around you
and for silence
to kiss you on the lips.
I've been standing in one spot all this time
longing to watch the world unfold,
oceans of dreams dividing with a
velocity that leaves me dizzy with
you make me remember that
obstacles don't mean a thing,
uncomparable to your patience
more than clumsy language can comprehend
only colors and sounds can hope to
really capture the true magnitude of
everything you mean to me.
this is our spoils of war,
happiness that people have died for
attempting to make it their own &
now it is ours.
you know just how to make me feel
overdrawn but not overlooked,
understood but not underloved
capable of believing in
all the things we could do so
every single time I hear your
voice I fall
even further down, swept up inside a
river of light.
knights with their shining armor
never could dream
of comparing to the one
who stole my heart.
Another fresh sheet of paper
full of new beginnings
pale white like the snow in my rear view mirror,
You once told me,
Destiny and Fate are two different creatures,
linked inextricably by design,
they strike out in opposite directions
only to come back to center,
where palms meet like stars colliding,
no end and no beginning.
The grand design, you said,
it's all part of the plan.
But I always wondered,
what's so fucking grand about being lonely?
taste of regret in my mouth
sharp like wine,
full of words with no place to go,
indecision with fantasy
in shades of gray.
Another fresh sheet of paper
full of new beginnings
I write out your name in jet black ink,
smudging the letters with my thumb
You were always more beautiful when
I'm caught in the spaces
here & the chaos of reality,
between the bonds of you & me,
woven deep into the tapestry --
and I remember nineteen
when I was young and care-free
you were there with me
and no one else
will ever be,
but I retraced the footsteps I left out there
tied some pretty flowers in my hair
-- but now I'm comin' home, baby,
and there's nowhere else in the world
I'd rather be.
You & I, we used to be unbreakable,
a solid fortress built together,
with a foundation of memories so strong
& everybody wanted to see,
what it looked like :
two people in love,
chase you barefoot in the pouring rain love,
walk five hours just to see you in the middle of the night love,
draw your name with chalk on the sidewalk love,
make love until the morning light love
the kind of love that makes you [ c r a z y ].
I finished your sentences and
you knew my signs,
we were always better together.
I never ate breakfast without you
& you couldn't write stories;
no one loved listening to you
more than I did.
The other half of my i n f i n i t y ,
a sweet promise of masculinity
whispered on the oceans,
rolling like crashing thunder
across my heart.
Sometimes, now I don't even hear you,
there's just this white noise,
of the unfathomable passion
between girls and boys.
But here we are, standing in the heat of battle,
& I remember the sound of your war cry --
I just never thought I'd ever hear it
from the other side.
She ran through the streets in the pouring down rain, nothing else ever made her feel this way. Become apathetic like the elements, get lost in the indifferent wrath of nature. Single minded determination, like the fire spreading in her lungs. Anything not to feel right now, anything not to be alone with her tragedy for company. Run. Run. Run. Faster. It dominated everything else in her head, became a mantra more powerful than the absent sun. The city felt empty, abandoned, and she knew the simple truth. No one had to tell her. Everyone who was ever anyone was tucked in tonight, buried beneath layers of blankets and forgetfulness, sheltered in safe shores of dreams and lovers arms. And these streets, these were just for her. They never failed, never walked away, never left her crumpled against the wall in tears. They waited for her every time something went wrong, and they didn't judge. Lonely alleyways and man-made structures of an urban playground, like giant hulking guardians with bones of metal and glass, watchful and ever silent.
Sandalled feet carried her farther and farther from home (where she could still hear him talking, still catch a drifting memory of his scent), creating a rhythm of despair on the cracked concrete. One corner blurred into the next, became a stoplight, a shadowed building and then an empty parking lot. The false golden halo of a streetlight briefly illuminated the descent of the heavy drops as they struck her face, got lost amidst laugh lines and pink, bitten lips. Blue, blue eyes, rimmed with running black, were mad as gold beneath the light, found dark churning skies and spiralled, just as she did. Escaping all reason, she dipped and leapt and spun, washing all traces - the ones that had been gone for weeks now - away from her, back down into the earth. The earth had shoulders strong enough to carry them.
When they finally found her she was sitting nonchalantly against the streetlight, long Irish limbs stretched out in front of her, sun-kissed hair a tangled mess. Soaked from head to toe, though the rain had at least stopped. They were bewildered, she had no words for them. No language to describe pain. Angry bruises decorated her dancing feet, now quiet and immobile. She didn't want to walk just yet. Not just yet.
She turned her face into the rising of the dawn, watching the violent reds and scintillating oranges stain the swollen white clouds, and she closed her eyes.
"I needed to remember."
I could wear the colors of war
like an open collared
[ exposed ]
the glint of a heart on a string,
dangling between pale breasts --
where you used to rest your head,
where you came to remember
the rhythm of
Drops of blood still seep from the
places where love did not heal
like little red pearls,
this is my solace.
"This", she said, brandishing a sword of tattered hearts. "is my battlefield."
No universal solvent to remove these fingerprint bruises
black and blue, like your voice,
but they [ remain here ]
after I've scattered the ashes;
markings of the time you rifled through my love,
thumbing the ancient pages,
tearing and folding down the edges
book on display.
You will never comprehend just how far you've fallen,
how much it hurt me to watch
but I am a slave to Karma,
she comes to call and whispers in my ear
as she leaves me crumpled against the
plain glass door
of a time when I'll stop crying
and you'll begin.
[ Note : Read italics and regular text seperate as two different perspectives. Thank you.
I'm finally winning, you know;
Bitten red promises have finally faded,
I can go most of the day without thinking about you,
but I can't help but wonder at night,
and when I do I can just curb my pain with anger,
was this all just about a man's carnal intuition?
let it coat me like a suit of armor.
I won't ask if you ever loved me;
Other people are starting to notice me now,
I've learned to be afraid of your words.
Too-skinny girl, platinum blonde hair, beautiful clothes --
You filled me up with questions and things-that-hurt,
Shrinking down inside this shell of false pretensions.
and you turned around and left me in pieces.
There's a thousand things I love that keep me busy,
I open my orange book to the last page at 4 am
just what the doctor prescribed to keep it all down.
"Real love stories never have endings.."
Someday soon I'll leave this place again,
I'm so very tired of crying.
I'll never come back to the cornerstones of hurt
I went by where you work yesterday,
that made this city speak to me at night.
kept my eyes on the ground, heart in my teeth,
You were my reason;
couldn't quite hold down the ferris-wheel feeling
and now you're gone.
the one I get whenever I know you're around
I want you to know, though --
I wish I could live without you.
I can live without you.
I can hear the heavy sounds of the war drums again, a futile, whispered warning, rolling like thunder in the distance. Is it you who has lifted this banner into the air, or are your arms too weak for such a fatal decision?
I am being called to battle; I am love's soldier, her shield and her sword. I am covered in the angry, bitten bruises of sacrifice, the deep red scars where too many times I have fallen from grace. I am beautiful in her eyes.
I will fight. I will defend what is mine. I will drive the enemy out.
Like a docile lamb you offer your throat to lions, and all I can do is cut them down where they stand. Blind, you are, to the perils and onslaughts I ravage for you. Your position is precarious, and I have been compromised.
Eyes on the ground, a flash of dishonest words, and then silence, bitter silence. Blood in my eyes, the subtle shift of an ally into an enemy went unnoticed, just like the surreptitious conversations in the dark.
I am an unconquered warrior; the sharp staff of the moon; the rising torrents of the ocean -- and I have need of an equal. The battlefield is no place for cowards and pacifists; for people who commune with enemies.
Remember, it was you who raised this banner.
I love you.
I love everything about you.
Not just the whole put together picture that everyone else sees, but all the lines and the bits and the pieces that make you inexplicably you; all the way from your wind-swept black hair down to the tips of your ticklish toes. Even the little things that drive me crazy about you, I still love them because they're all a part of you, and I couldn't do anything less.
I love the way you stand anchored even when you feel like you're lost at sea, or how sometimes you stomp your feet when you're mad like a typical Saggitarian. I love how your arms feel more like home than anywhere else I've ever been, and that no matter where I go, as long as I'm with you, I know where I am. I love how your hair always smells like fresh air. I love how you always know when I'm having a bad day and bring home chocolate cheese cake. I love how you're such a huge geek. I love when you call every once in awhile just to hear my voice; I can always tell. I love how you hug every person you meet. I love how much you look like your mother, and how you have your father's warmth. I love how you sing me country love songs when I'm upset. I love how your eyes remind me of rich, brown earth rising to meet soft, green grass. I love you don't hesitate to invest everything in my dreams, and how you talk about living together in Japan some day. I love the fact that no matter how well I think I know you there is always something new to learn. I love your adventerous spirit, and how you make me feel like age has as little to do with life as fashion does with style. I love your freckles, especially the ones you never notice speckled across your nose. I love how you draw little penguins on the notes you leave for me. I love that you are the first and only person that has ever made me feel like you really believe I'm worth it. I love the way you hold my hand in yours. I love how you make me look forward to coming home every day. I love that you still believe in magic, and that sometimes you make me believe in magic, too. I love your wild imagination and how it could fill up the grand canyon a thousand times over. I love how you stand up for me no matter who it is. I love the sound of your laughter, and how weird it is that you look like Tom Cruise when you do laugh. I love that you drove me around the city for hours when I was sick and couldn't fall asleep. I love that you can recite any line from any White Wolf book, and know exactly what it really means. I love when you kiss all over my face, even though I tell you I don't. I love that look you get on your face when you brush my hair out of my eyes.
I love you.
I love everything about you.
Every strange noise and odd personality quirk, every time we argue and make up. I'm still learning even after all these years, what makes you the sweet, beautiful living wonder that you are, and I've never been disappointed. If I had all the time in the world I would spend it telling you all of these things every single day, because to me you're worth every second.